Back down to earth

The other night I got my first homework assignment back in my macro-economics class. As the professor was returning papers I got a quick episode of palpitations: what if I left in a stupid spelling error? What about that one question where I pretty much made up an answer? What if I don't actually understand this stuff as much as I think I do?

Then he called out my name, "Brian Sh....Sh....uhhh, Brian?"

Yeah, that's me.

Fifteen of fifteen. Sweet. My spirit soared.

But my subconcious was at the ready (as always) and I quickly struck down my rising self-esteem. I told myself that this is a freshman level business class at a commuter college. Not that I think that highly of myself, but if I can't BS my way through this then I'm sorely lacking in some critical life-skills. (OK, yes, I probably do think too highly of myself, but we can work on that some other day.)

Oh, but for a moment there I was so self-content.

I like those moments.

Delusions of Jurisprudence

Sometimes I still fantasize about going to law school. In the absence of that I dream up locally appropriate disclaimers. Here's one I'm working on.

Embryonic Relationship Disclaimer

The undersigned agree and acknowledge that either party can terminate said relationship before the sixth date for any reason by providing written documentation. Both parties agree that if said termination documentation is provided then the terminated party shall refrain from contact. Under no circumstances will crying be allowed. Absolutely none.

...

Well, it's a work in progress right now.

C. Ramos

There is a woman who calls my house repeatedly looking for someone. I haven't quite made out the name of the person she's trying to find, but I think it is "Carl." I know this because she called my house one night, mumbled a request for "Carl" and I politely informed her that she had the wrong number. Then I hung up.

About 45 seconds later the phone rang again. And we had a very similar conversation.

About 45 seconds later the phone rang again. "Still not here," click. I hung up as rudely as I could.

About 45 seconds later the phone rang again. Soon I was telling her, as empathetically as possible, "I wish I could help you but the person you're looking for isn't here. If he was, I'd tell you. If I knew where you could find him I'd tell you. You must have been given the wrong number. I'm sorry. But please stop calling me."

Finally the phone stopped ringing.

However, thanks to the miracle of Caller ID I know that I get phone-calls from this number nearly everyday. The caller ID record reports "C. Ramos" and the phone number. And lately I've been listening to a lot of quick voicemail messages containing only a rattling hangup.

This person calling me from C. Ramos' phone is desperately looking for someone. I hope she finds him. I wonder how long it will take for her to realize that he won't be found at my number?

We can all relax

McDonald's escaped their lawsuit.

Things that are on my mind today

My fortune from dinner last Thursday reads You will be successful in business and married life. Seems appropriate as I was sitting there studying my economics textbook after my group failed to show. It would have been even more ironic had I been studying after being stood up by a date.

When someone at work says "did you get your hair cut?" and you did, but it was over a week ago, what does that mean?

How peculiar is this behavior? Last night I was flipping channels for background noise as I study and come across one of my all-time favorite movies (High Fidelity) on the Comedy Channel. This is a movie I can nearly quote word for word, but I watch it anyway (I own it, for goodness sake). But soon impatience kicks in and I end up watching it on DVD instead just to eliminate the commercials.

I had a conversation with a girl in the college bookstore last week (I think she might have been flirting with me, but I'm so out of touch who can tell?). She was expressing her disdain for a specific class/textbook. The subject? Visual Basic. So I started to extol the virtues of VB skills. I'm pretty sure I combined the terms "Visual Basic" and "lucrative" in one sentence. And today I'm thinking "why do I continue to do this crap? Is it too late to join the Peace Corps?"

Why can't I will myself to realize that you spell sentence "sentence" and not "sentance"?

Quote from the wrapper of a Dove dark chocolate I just enjoyed: Friends love the person you were and the one you've become. How do they know? Maybe my past is a mystery and the story I purport is a well-orchestrated facade...

My friend sent me this link and this one too and asked me what I thought. But my mind is too jumbled to formulate a rational response.

Speaking of rational, my economics instructors keep bandying about the phrase "rational self-interest." My experience is limited, to be sure, but I think expecting even that of human beings is a bit much.

I'm thinking I should work now.

What is my highest priority, again?

I was listening to NPR this morning and there was a segment about how the courts in California have introduced new standard of rape. Basically, if a couple is engaging in consensual sex but then the woman changes her mind it is considered forcible, non-consensual sex if her partner continues after that change of heart is communicated. At that point it become rape.

That's not what I want to write about.

At the end of the segment (which I don't have the transcript of because a) it's not available yet and b) i'm too cheap to buy it anyway) they were interviewing a woman (I believe she was some kind of prosecutor). She was talking about discussing this with her son. Essentially she said she told him
"No means no." Anytime. You need to understand this because protecting yourself is your first priority.

While I agree with the sentiment she was trying to communicate to her son, her final point struck me as a little odd.

Isn't that setting the ethical threshold just a little low?

I'm sure I'm naive, but wouldn't it be just a bit better to communicate to ourselves and our kids that those around us are our highest priority (or at least higher than ourselves)?

If I had a son (and, even more pertinently, if I myself am on a date) I want the woman's interests (even in terms of simply feeling safe and secure before even addressing levels of physical intimacy) to be preserved first and foremost. My own interest or ramifications should be secondary at best.

It seems to me that "what's the right way to treat this person" is a little bit healthier of an attitude than "how do I need to act to ensure I don't face prison time."

Eureka!

I must admit, on bitter ten-degree mornings like this morning, or walking across a deserted school parking lot last night, I think:

why did I ever leave California?

I miss my palm tree in the front yard, and the total absence of ice scrapers in my car. I miss the concern of winter being "bring a coat when you go up to San Francisco" (oh, wait...you need to bring a coat everytime you go to San Francisco).

So I'm walking across the windy parking lot last night and shivering in my cold car this morning (god bless heated seats) thinking about the cost of my house, how my mortgage payment is half what my rent was in San Jose, how Ohio didn't charge me $600 to bring my cars with me when I got here (which I eventually got back, but still, I was a fresh grad--I didn't have $600). These are all good things. But I'm sure that today in San Jose the weather report will read something like "cool and foggy, with the fog lifting about 10am leading to clearing sunshine, high in the mid-60s this afternoon. If you want snow drive to Tahoe."

And in thirty minutes I could be in Santa Cruz.

My time in California ruined winter for me.

Free Cars!

I can't decide what I think. This guy in Maine noticed a coupon in the paper from a Toyota dealership offering $200 off a new vehicle. The ad listed no disclaimers limiting one coupon per person or transaction.

Read the story here.

I'm a detail-oriented guy. Part of me thinks "bully for him" for finding a loophole. But I'm also disgusted because nobody will really win. The dealership can't give away free cars. I don't know much about economics yet but that just can't be a good deal for them. And this has the trappings of a lawsuit waiting to happen (in spite of his claim that he hasn't hired a lawyer yet). So this mistake in a small-business newspaper ad that no reasonable person could expect to be anything other than a mistake will end up costing the dealership, the court system and the newspaper (they'll have to spend time and energy confirming that it wasn't their mistake), at the least.

That's this guy's legacy.

He won't get a free car (he shouldn't, anyway). But he will end up costing everyone a lot of money, indirectly.

What the dealership should do is give him a special, limited time coupon:

$4000 off the purchase of a new vehicle for your editing services. Vehicle must have a MSRP greater than $40,000. Sale must be completed by January 31, 2003. Use of this coupon indemnifies dealership from any other coupon claims by this buyer. Buyer agrees to leave us alone and go to...

OK, maybe I shouldn't write the disclaimers either.

New Year Resolution update

Two weeks into it and I'm not faring so well. With bandaids on both of my thumbs I've gotten off to quite an inauspicious start.

I blame stress.

Oooh, ooh, ooh...two of my favorites collide

Dave Barry versus the state of Indiana.

Hey! Hoosier daddy, Indiana?

Is this it?

"You don't deserve this."

My friend inhales to quell the imminent sobs and whispers "But maybe I do."

"Don't say that, don't even allow yourself to think that. You do not deserve this."

"But maybe I do."

This must be one of the greatest lies we're told by the deceiver. When things go wrong, when people we love treat us like shit, we whisper to ourselves "This is what God wants for me. This, this anguish and disappointment, this is not only what I deserve but what God has chosen for me."

Unfortunately our theology often seems to support this. It is very difficult to hear about the human condition, and the depravity of the fall and the wages of sin without silently acceding that you deserve everything you get and more.

I cannot and will not accept this. There is a price to be paid for sin, to be sure. And yes, I believe that God has a plan and a will for our lives, but this life is a place of both brokenness and redemption, a place of promises broken and promises kept. My own actions may indeed in the end deserve some judgement from God, but I reserve that judgement for Him and Him alone. In this world God cannot want us to be deceived, manipulated or taken advantage of. I cannot accept that God truly wants that between His children.

So why is it even allowed?

I don't know any more.

But the longer I live the more deliberate the gospel story seems to me. In Jesus we have a savior who lived in the midst of family tension, betrayal by one of his closest friends and a kangaroo court. Increasingly (and reluctantly) I'm realizing that these are not just the devices of melodramatic movies but of everyday human life. And if we believe that Jesus was human then we must believe that he has felt these moments of shattered faith.

I choose daily to attribute the pain in my life to the people who cause it or to the simple fallenness of our world. And I choose to attribute the moments of peace, tranquility and poignant beauty to God who created them. When the scabs and scars in my heart from past relationships are ripped open by new friction I curse the sin of adultery and broken promises. When a friend sends me a card just because I'll like the color, or the sun sets just so on the turning leaves, or I'm transported away in the midst of a band's performance I thank my God for casting a solitary ray of light into the dark cave of humanity. I view those moments as temporary hints of reality, small creases in the warped continuum of worldly sin. I choose these responses both because it seems consistent with the character of God and the world and because it's the only way for me to survive.

If this world, in the midst of it's day to day broken worst, were all there is, I think I'd just quit.

This is not what God has in mind for us. And in the end it will not be.

Geek Gadgets versus Pedestrian Politics

The San Francisco, California board of supervisors banned the use of Segway scooters on public sidewalks. Several other Bay Area cities (including Oakland and Santa Cruz) are expected to follow suit shortly.

>> more

Really big numbers

Like six trillion.

Think about it. Twelve zeroes.

6,000,000,000,000

That's our national debt (see The National Debt Clock for a precise number).

If you paid that off at $1.00 per second you'd be done in:

Two hundred thousand years (190,258.75 to be exact based on the round 6T starting point).

My paltry school loans, mortgage and car payments don't feel nearly as overwhelming now.

Insurance

After seeing his knee torqued in ways that still make me cringe I felt horrible for University of Miami runningback Willis McGahee. He was one game away from securing his spot high in the upcoming NFL draft and making truckloads of money playing football professionally. In an instant that dream, tantalizingly close to being fulfilled, was snatched away.

But McGahee has a fallback position after all. I'm not usually so soft on pampered atheletes, but this actaully makes me happy for the guy:

Miami tailback Willis McGahee took out a $2.5 million insurance policy two weeks before he was injured in the Fiesta Bowl and can collect after a year if the injury prevents him from returning to football. >> more

Getting out of your comfort zone

I am a person of routine. In fact, I was reviewing some feedback from a personality inventory I took a while back. Here are two statements it made about me:

-You prefer to wait until you're sure of your ground before acting. This might mean after several visits to a new place, or after a few meetings with a new person, you will feel more open to risk or share trust.
-You dislike having to initiate new relationships.


And I wonder why I'm feeling so anxious and edgy about this week.

Tomorrow and Wednesday I start classes. New buildings, an unfamiliar routine and a host of new people being thrust at me correspond to make the first few class meetings a little intimidating for me. And then Friday I have a, well, uh, I guess you'd call it a "date."

Yeah, that's it. One of those dreaded beasts, a "blind date."

This is apparently a quarterly experiment for me.

We've spoken on the phone but never met in person. Why, oh why, do I volunteer for these things? They seem so fun and natural until twenty minutes later when I have time to think about it.

That brings me to another personality inventory statement:

-You tend to think before you act. As a result, the things you do will be purposeful and deliberate.


I try so hard to escape this one sometimes, to act impulsively or spontaneously (which still appears to be tediously slow compared to most). But when I do act and then think it makes me so uncomfortable. Nervous, even.

So here I am, with three out of the five evenings this week taken up by the unfamiliar and the unknown.

What a fun way to start the year :-)

New Year Resolutions

Well, the first one is to grow my thumbnails. Of course, this is much more difficult to do than it sounds. You see, I have this nasty habit of biting my fingernails. Except that by "biting my fingernails" I really mean "gnawing and shredding my fingernails, cuticles, and quick." I really should invest in whoever makes Target brand band-aids. Anyway...

A little more than a year ago I sold my thumbs to the devil in a deal that went down like this: they'd bear the brunt of of my affliction but my fingers were off limits.

And good God-almighty it worked. I've got eight little slivers of white on the tips of my fingers and I've justified my ownership of fingernail clippers for the first time ever. My thumbs, as you would imagine, are continually on the brink of bleeding, if not actually doing so.

This is the year I break the habit for once and for all. I hereby resolve to:
-grow my thumbnails
-visit a new state (for me, that is. I don't think the United States will be adding any for a while)
-visit a new country (as long as they have McDonalds)
-actually write something that resembles "substance" (hoping against hope)
-host more visitors in my house (maybe mowing my grass would make people feel more welcome?)
-pay off my car (you know, the warranty won't last forever)
-renew my pilots license (you can never have too many expensive hobbies)
-get straight A's for the first time in my life (I'm refusing to acknowledge that only taking two courses at a time is an advantage)
-paint the bedroom in my house that still has teddy-bear wallpaper on it from the previous owners (even though I rather like the mint-green motif)
-mail Christmas cards (it's the right thing to do)
-see a play in Cincinnati (I saw plays in Indianapolis and Chicago, but not my adopted hometown)