Is this it?

"You don't deserve this."

My friend inhales to quell the imminent sobs and whispers "But maybe I do."

"Don't say that, don't even allow yourself to think that. You do not deserve this."

"But maybe I do."

This must be one of the greatest lies we're told by the deceiver. When things go wrong, when people we love treat us like shit, we whisper to ourselves "This is what God wants for me. This, this anguish and disappointment, this is not only what I deserve but what God has chosen for me."

Unfortunately our theology often seems to support this. It is very difficult to hear about the human condition, and the depravity of the fall and the wages of sin without silently acceding that you deserve everything you get and more.

I cannot and will not accept this. There is a price to be paid for sin, to be sure. And yes, I believe that God has a plan and a will for our lives, but this life is a place of both brokenness and redemption, a place of promises broken and promises kept. My own actions may indeed in the end deserve some judgement from God, but I reserve that judgement for Him and Him alone. In this world God cannot want us to be deceived, manipulated or taken advantage of. I cannot accept that God truly wants that between His children.

So why is it even allowed?

I don't know any more.

But the longer I live the more deliberate the gospel story seems to me. In Jesus we have a savior who lived in the midst of family tension, betrayal by one of his closest friends and a kangaroo court. Increasingly (and reluctantly) I'm realizing that these are not just the devices of melodramatic movies but of everyday human life. And if we believe that Jesus was human then we must believe that he has felt these moments of shattered faith.

I choose daily to attribute the pain in my life to the people who cause it or to the simple fallenness of our world. And I choose to attribute the moments of peace, tranquility and poignant beauty to God who created them. When the scabs and scars in my heart from past relationships are ripped open by new friction I curse the sin of adultery and broken promises. When a friend sends me a card just because I'll like the color, or the sun sets just so on the turning leaves, or I'm transported away in the midst of a band's performance I thank my God for casting a solitary ray of light into the dark cave of humanity. I view those moments as temporary hints of reality, small creases in the warped continuum of worldly sin. I choose these responses both because it seems consistent with the character of God and the world and because it's the only way for me to survive.

If this world, in the midst of it's day to day broken worst, were all there is, I think I'd just quit.

This is not what God has in mind for us. And in the end it will not be.