Hold Dearly to Me


what do you do when you're in total frustration?
what do you do when you're in total despair?
what can you say when you dial that number and the only
person you want to talk to is never really, really quite there?

this person cannot bring me happiness
this person cannot bring me joy
Gracious God lift me higher, let me see your beautiful face
i gotta know who my true friends are and
where's my home sweet home

many nights i've wandered alone down this street of pain
many days i've stumbled out into the darkness of daylight
many years i've wandered, wondering just where i'll end up
in a festering heap of flames or a shivering cold cold night

good God almighty scoop me up and set me free
let me walk in Your forgiveness make a man out of me
Lord i've been jumping at shadows, like a snake i've been eating my tail
let me trip, let me stumble but please don't let me fail

i'm a fly by night, i'm a dog by day
i've got a room full of beautiful memories
growing old and in the way
i got a heart that's been broken over and over again
some by lovers, some by brothers, but most of all by my own dirty little hands

let me sit at your holy feet, let me count the hard cost
of what is right and what is wrong, of who is kind and who can only be the boss
let me lie awake and seek the truth from thy holy face
out of the holy mouth thundering forth out of the holy place

let me walk and stand and talk with the mind of one given over
only to the things that i know you hold dear
let me soften my heart, let me harden my footsteps
as i press toward the mark of your safe place without any fear

hold dearly to me
hold dearly to me
hide me, drape me, closely and safely


(Thanks Mike...)

...

I know the "right" answers. In the end God's truth and presence is all I need...But it sure doesn't feel like that a lot of the time. Quite a conundrum is created when all I want to do is fix the daily struggle and emptiness that I feel. But then I recognize that my "solutions" only introduce new trials and struggles and dimensions into my life. If I'm not happy now I probably won't be happy in some imagined future either.

So I try to subtly reach a stage of nirvana where I don't feel like I want what I really want--hoping against hope that by learning to deny my desires they'll suddenly be granted to me.

That usually works for a few weeks. Then I spend a month or so recovering from waking up and realizing that I'm still just miserable, confused, and alone.

I'm a couple weeks into that recovery right now...

So. I want what I do not have. And I recognize that if I were granted what I think I want I would probably still be left unsatisfied. But I want to be sated, to not feel this inner yearning. I just want to be content with where, and who, and what I am.

Yes, "this person cannot bring me happiness / this person cannot bring me joy." But God, can't we at least let her show up and try?