SNAFU
Situation normal...
My counselor tells me I'm normal, and more or less average. And that normal and average is OK.
This is a good thing for me to realize and accept.
I've never really aspired for normal. Average is for losers. I'm from
Lake Wobegon.
But I'm not.
I hold myself to high standards. That's good. High standards will get you far.
They're also heavy.
I cast so many things in spiritual terms. And I flog myself as a disciplinary measure.
I like control.
I'm not in control.
This is also good to acknowledge.
Sometimes I'm really happy. Like today. Today I'm content. Work went well, I had nice lunch, I missed my 1:00 meeting and it turned into something my boss and I can laugh at. Life is OK.
Content is good.
Sometimes I'm not really so content. Sometimes I feel lonely. Or depressed. Or like I'm underachieving (dangerously close to average). And those spiritual terms? Well, then I double the weight because I carry not only the emotions but then I blame myself. Because, you see, a true faithful believer wouldn't feel lonely. Or dissatisfied. Or depressed. Or frustrated at work. A true believer is awash in God's redemptive power, believing that His grace is sufficient.
If God's grace is sufficient and I'm left wanting then I'm not only lonely. I'm also a bad Christian.
Lonely
and a sinner. That can't be good.
My counselor has a theory. She thinks that my emotions aren't inherently bad. They don't need "fixed." Nor do I need punished for having them--or continuing to have them. Additionally, she thinks that even if I implemented all my wacky potential solutions (crazy things like marriage, or running off to Europe) that I'd still have to deal with loneliness. And work frustration. And being more or less average.
Marriage is hard work and taxes are higher in Europe.
So I'm content today. My car is dirty. I can fix that without punishing myself. I need to do my homework. I can manage that.
The rest I'm letting go--it's out of my control for the moment.
Oh, yeah. I like to fix things too. I like to do, do, do...checklists, instruction manuals, emotional algebra (a + b = c.... why do I still end up with a result of "frustrated"? The equation is supposed to give me "c"!).
As much as I enjoy a good mathematics example, life is quite unlike algebra. There isn't much out there that can be solved. Not by me, anyway.
Isn't it funny how a good teacher sometimes doesn't follow his own instruction? If a friend approached me and shared all the thoughts that echo in my inner monologue I'd know exactly what to say. Exactly.
But I don't listen to myself very well. That's why I love my friends. They question me, push and prod me. Sometimes they smack me (I can have much more than average stubbornness).
God made us this way, with yearnings and desires and cravings and faults. We are all enigmas wrapped in conundrums. When we get what we want we'll probably still be left wanting. We have a thirst than cannot be slaked.
And that's OK. It's not good. It's not bad.
It probably isn't productive to flog myself for my negative emotions. It is probably equally unproductive to get addicted to positive emotions tied to fantasy. You know, the blonde in the convertible next to me during the morning commute? (Wouldn't meeting your future spouse after he deliberately hit your car be a great story?) I can't be the only one who does that. (OK, maybe not the vehicular assault fantasy part).
Instead I think I'll just accept the not so positive emotions for what they are--real, but spiritually neutral. And I'll try to focus on positive emotions that are grounded in that same reality. My friends. My life. The shards of my faith that I'm constantly trying to reassemble.
There is a voice in the back of my head telling me that I'll probably only be average--or maybe fail--at those simple tasks.
Instead of flogging myself for my emotions I think I'll try to find that little voice.
I think I'll leave Lake Wobegon and move back to Middletown. I'll settle. How does "slightly above average" sound?
