Thursday, November 07, 2002

All of these books stacked throughout my house, cluttered thoughts and notes in my brain. I'll share one more before I finally tell my laptop to hibernate for a few hours (and myself as well).

At the end of the street I saw the cathedral and walked up toward it. The first time I ever saw it I thought the facade was ugly but I liked it now. I went inside. It was dim and dark and the pillars went high up, and there were people praying, and it smelt of incense, and there were some wonderful big windows. I knelt and started to pray and prayed for everybody I thought of, Brett and Mike and Bill and Robert Cohn and myself, and all the bull-fighters, separately for the ones I liked, and lumping all the rest, then I prayed for myself again, and while I was praying for myself I found I was getting sleepy, so I prayed that the bull-fights would be good, and that it would be a fine fiesta, and that we would get some fishing. I wondered if there was anything else I might pray for, and I thought I would like to have some money, so I prayed that I would make a lot of money, and then I started to think how I would make it, and thinking of making money reminded me of the count, and I started wondering about where he was, and regretting I hadn't seen him since that night in Montmartre, and about something funny Brett told me about him, and as all the time I was kneeling with my forehead on the wood in front of me, and was thinking of myself as praying, I was a little ashamed, and regretted that I was such a rotten Catholic, but realized there was nothing I could do about it, at least for a while, and maybe never, but that anyway it was a grand religion, and I only wished I felt religious and maybe I would the next time...

Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

This is so like my prayers, rambling self-centered run-on sentences. When I read this for the first time I wanted to laugh and cry at the same time. Well, not so much laugh as smile knowingly at someone reaching for such similar things as I often do and not so much cry as just inwardly ache for the immanent taste of Immanuel we all long for but so rarely (if ever) experience.

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